Thursday, September 26, 2013

all the feelings, and then some.




Earlier this week the fab Sarah Bessey wrote a post about having ALL THE FEELINGS about conferences.
Which I loved. Because I too have all the feelings about ginormous conferences.

And ever since then, those words, ALL THE FEELINGS, have gone round and round in my head like a broken record. Because friends, right now, I find that I am having ALL the feelings about ALL the things. 

In the past week I have been convinced whole heartily that we should 
*Buy an old camper and turn it into a guest room/portable vacation abode/craft studio
*Buy an unfinished house on 20 acres 45 minutes from town
*Buy an almost mostly perfect farmhouse smack dab in the middle of the 'hood
*Plank the wall above our fireplace
*Knock out all the walls between the kitchen and living room
*Sell our house As Is and see what happens
* Buy a lake cabin
*Add on another floor
*Run Away

As you can see I might be having a bit of an issue sorting things out.
Also, here is a little quirk about walking the earth as me: My first instinct upon experiancing panic is always to want to change my physical surroundings. NOW. 
Depending on how desperate things feel, this can mean I make new throw pillow covers or completely rearraning the living room or search obsessively for the perfect rug online. 
Or something like the list above can begin to emerge.

This weekend is my birthday. I will be 39. 
The countdown to 40 begins.

My kids are literally, half grown. 
We are at the mid-way point as a family. 
There is an expiration stamp on our life all under one roof. On the time we have left to raise them.
My whole life I have wanted to have a family, and now I have them and within a decade they will be gone.
And I am lying about 3/4 the way under the bus right now and it's getting a little hard to breathe.

Thankfully, this weekend begins our Fall Break. 9 days off from work or school. 
Sweet Man and I are starting the breakby going to a cabin in the woods, beside a lake
 to be together, 
to read, to fish, 
to sort through ALL THESE FEELINGS, 
and to prayerfully consider what the next ten years might hold for us.

During this week I am going to also go on a little social media break-no tweeted, instaing, blogging, fb'ing etc.
 So as to not bombard you with my daily dose of crazy. 
And to create a little much needed space in my heart and brain to listen.
 And to really hear.
Because the good Lord knows, I cannot hear much right now. Not with the racket ALL THE FEELINGS are making.

Thank you for coming here and hanging out with me even on days like today. 
I really love you for it.
And I will see you soon.
Peace and blessings friends-
J





9 comments:

  1. Boy am I feeling you on this, sister. All of the above. Except I turn 40 in fifty days. FIFTY DAYS. I will be 40, with an almost 14 year old who will be graduating high school in four years... four years like sand in my fingers. And in four years the almost 10 year old will be 14 and 4 years away from graduation and moving out and my house will be quiet and sad and dark and I will be almost 50. All those dreams we had seem crazy now, we have so little time to accomplish them! What is the point of buying a bigger house when there will be no little people to live in it? We don't need a game room because there will be no one to play games with and I will look crazy with my grey hair slamming the stupid air hockey pucks across the table to NO ONE. Oh despair!

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  2. Oh my, yes! I love your list and have probably wasted mental space on every one of those options. The pressure to "figure it out" really ramps up when you realize you're halfway, doesn't it? My oldest is a driving, working, junior making plans for college. Why is it when we have children, there is this little place of denial that tricks you into thinking that somehow they will stay little and you have all the time in the world? I passed 40 two years ago without much trauma, but now as I see my children getting ready to leave the nest, I have had to face the reality that some of those old dreams and plans of "having this" or "doing that" just weren't going to happen. I had to let it go, lay it down, and I did so kicking and screaming if I'm honest. Don't worry, there's a happy ending to the story here, but that's still being written day by day. I'm learning to hold on loosely, remembering that..." A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." Prov. 16:9

    Enjoy your time away and unplugged!

    I

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  3. I had my youngest child at 40, on purpose, and he has been a gift. I too felt the acute passing of time and having another little person around has been so wonderful, extending my mothering years. Which sounds selfish I know.
    My oldest is 14 and her growing independence is a lesson in learning to let go, as they grow we learn about each new stage and how to parent as best we can.
    I am 45 now and often long for an adventure, to move to the sea and live a different life but of course I'd still be me and the chaos in my head would not change. Enjoy your time away in the woods!

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  4. It sounds like this break is just what you need. Enjoy every moment of it!

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  5. Me too, on all the feelings. Plus, all the hands out around me, everyone asking, wanting, needing. So, you've motivated me to take a bit of a break too. Thank-you friend. Bless your sweet time. I so look up to you and admire you.

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  6. Sometimes we have to put ourself in timeout just to survive. Sounds as if you are there. Give yourself a break, concentrate on you and him and Him. Bless you, Girlie.

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  7. I just turned 48...48...two years till 50!! My son is grown with a family of his own and it's just me and the hubby! It's the first time we've been a couple since my son was 13 when we met. I have panic attacks like this and have been making the crazy list...let's move...let's travel...let's buy a house or a car or a tent...the past 3 years are a blur...I went through breast cancer and survived and now it's the living part that is scary! Enjoy your timeout...we all need those once in a while!

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  8. I think you are feeling like all moms feel now and again. We all handle it differently. In a panic I used to iron anything and everything I could get my hands on. I used to run through irons like other people ran though tennis shoes. But then the kids grew up and moved on and it was OK. I've had the same iron for years. And another one in a box because I always bought at least two at a time.

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  9. I hope you are in the process of being refreshed. I get that way from time to time. I hear ya when it comes to the kids. Mine are 10 and 14. I have less than 8 years at this point. I don't like it either!

    ((HUGS)) and Happy Birthday.

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ok, really. tell me the truth... do these comments make me look fat?

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