This is the very picture I posted on this blog.
I didn't even write a post.
I just posted this picture with the following question for the title:
Wishes or weeds? What do you see?
That was 7 years ago.
And so very, very much has changed.
But not the things I thought would change.
Which continues to be the pattern of my life.
The same question is asked daily of me:
What do you see?
Wishes or weeds?
Hope or disappointment?
Laughter or tears?
I see both.
I took this picture last week.
In our front yard, around each of our huge oak trees, there is a small ring of daffodils.
Daffodils that the boys and I planted with the help of my friend Andrea and her girls.
Andrea is a gardener.
I am not.
When Andrea looks at a map of the USA she sees gardening zones.
When I look at a map of the USA I see Ikea locations.
These flowers are the first things, in my 38 years, that I remember ever having planted,
And they lived.
They pushed through the very cold earth and sprouted and bloomed. And they are lovely.
This is no small thing.
We planted these flowers last fall, before winter, but after the temperatures had changed.
We planted them when I was having a low day, or week, or month, about having not sold our house the previous summer.
About having not bought the farm we had dreamed of for two years.
So Andrea helped me plant these flowers in good faith.
Faith that I would still be in this house to see them bloom, and that in seeing them bloom, I would see a little bit of beauty in our remaining here, despite all my plans to be elsewhere.
For the most part it worked. I have loved seeing the flowers bloom, I love the color and the cheerfulness they bring.
But life is not all daffodils
And from time to time, I still have, what I now refer to as, "farm fever" days.
Especially right now, as we are nearing the anniversary of the sale of our house being called off.
I have moments where my chest is tight and my eyes are leaky.
And it doesn't make a lick of sense, this attachment I have, this affection for someplace I have never lived. But there it is anyway. Hanging out in little hidden parts of my heart, jumping out from behind doors and surprising me with it's ability to reduce me to an irrational puddle after all this time.
But life is not all weeds either.
And I am beyond excited and humbled by every bit of the last 7 days.
Between Ree's post, the Hootenanny and raising money for Gogo's House things have been a bit of a wonderful whirlwind this past week, and I am so grateful for every bit of love and light that has been sent my way. Truly. Walking into a store and seeing my book on the shelf, or reading a blog post or comment from a reader who has found a moment of grace and love because of the book- well those moments are golden! There is nothing better than feeling like your words are making a difference.
So, after 7 years of blogging, and of asking the question over and over, I think maybe this is the answer:
It is both.
It is wishes and weeds.
Beauty and heartache.
Faith and confusion.
Hope and disappointment.
Dandelions and Daffodils.
I can be sad about the farm and excited beyond belief about the book all at once.
And I can hold both in the same hand. They do not cancel each other out-because both are true.
And I can open my hand and offer them both up, over and over, with a grateful heart.
Because neither of them should be the defining thing about me.
They are each part of my story, but they are not my whole story.
My story-like yours- is a continual work in progress.
Which is why I reckon I will keep blogging.
I gotta see how this all shakes out.
Whether you have been here for 7 years, 7 months or 7 minutes, thank you so very much for reading this little experiment. Thank you for showing up, for being interested, for cheering me on, for holding my hand, for laughing, for loving, for helping and for sticking it out. I know some days are like wishes around here and others are full of weeds. Thank you for staying with be despite both.
All my love-
PS- We sent $520 to Africa today for Gogo's House Fund!! I will keep you posted on the progress!
PSS- For a limited time I am selling autographed copies of A Homemade Year in my online shoppe-they make great Mother's Day Gifts!