Thursday, July 12, 2012

thursdays confessions - sometimes it makes my heart stop


There is a scene at the end of Away We Go in which I cry every single time I watch it. Like last night. I balled like a baby. I think my eyes are still puffy today. They will probably remain puffy into next week.
I have always cried at this scene, but maybe now I cry a little bit harder. I cry because I am lonesome for my farm and I want to go home. To a place I have never owned. 

I have to confess I feel a little silly about that. I feel slightly ridiculous that I have such a strong connection to a place. Especially one I have only visited half a dozen times. But when I think of being home, it is what I see and feel. It is the only place I want to go.



So we are waiting. And living. Sometimes the pendulum swings to contentment right where we are and I go days without dwelling on the situation. I am happy. I am floating, breathing, cooking, laughing. And then something pricks the surface just the tiniest bit and within seconds I realize that  I do not have enough thumbs to plug all the holes that suddenly appear in the wall between my longing and my contentment. Desire and wishing and hope and discouragement flood in and wash over me. And then there I am. Soaked to the bone. Eventually I will dry out and go back to floating and breathing, cooking and laughing. But I know better than to think I will stay dry for long. 


6 comments:

  1. This is where I find myself this morning. But the longing that springs up in me is for a daughter. Something that is daily becoming more and more unlikely. I adore my boys but this desire for a little girl of my own sometimes becomes overwhelming..and yes, I feel silly too. Because I have been so blessed.
    So this is my prayer:
    "And I will give you a new heart, I will give you new and right desires and put a new spirit within you" Ezekiel 36:26
    Praying for either the fulfillment of our desires or that He would give us new ones.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous11:04 AM

    OK can I just say gag me? You should be happy with what you have because out there people are really suffering. Feeling bad because you can't get your way...You have your health, healthy children, and you should be thanking your God for what you have.
    Geez, grow up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. The Father is always gentle with us, let us be gentle with one another.

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  3. Dear Jerusalem-

    I am a good northwest girl. I was born in Washington state, lived nine of my early years of life in Alaska, then back to Washington state. I got married at 20 and moved to my new husband's home state of Texas. I hated it. Every morning I would wake up and say, "this is the day...this is the day that I am going to acclimate, adjust...like...no...LOVE where I live." By the time I went to bed that night I was saying, "nope, this was NOT the day!!!" I would cry in my car while I was driving around because I didn't want my husband to know how unhappy I was. I hated the heat, the huge city, the HUMIDITY (oh the humidity), the lack of seasons, MOUNTAINS, rivers, lakes, parks, restaurants that served something other then a plate of meat. I missed a way of life that was centered around not if your shoes matched your purse, but how long were you able to spend out in nature today. We lived there for 11 years. Yup. ELEVEN YEARS. The day we moved is burned in my mind, I can still feel the emotions that poured out of me, I can remember exactly what I was wearing that day, what song was playing as I pulled out of the driveway for the last time and pointed my car west. I cried. I cry thinking about it still today three years after our move! It is hard. So very, very hard. I just wish that during those eleven years of waiting that I had leaned on my God more, that I had developed my character to what he was trying to mold it into better. I was VERY resistant, tried to be TOO strong. I don't care what God picks to press us with, an illness, loss of a loved one, money issues, living in a place you feel you do not belong... ALL of it is pain. ALL of it hurts. ALL of it is a way to let God be stronger than we are. Don't poo poo yourself for hurting over this. Let God be stronger than you are...He will AMAZE you. -Vicki

    p.s. I am in love with where I live. Life is just as pesky as ever, the hurt and bad of life crawled in our moving van and came with us from Texas...but getting to live in Washington fills my soul and was totally worth the wait.

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  4. Hey Anonymous-
    You've obviously never had a longing that goes unfulfilled. I hope that you never do but I'm afraid that since you judge those who talk about it, you might experience that feeling sometime soon. You're judgemental because you go on someone's blog and try to make them feel bad for sharing their feelings and bearing their soul. You are a coward because you hide behind 'anonymous'. The way you feel is yours, but maybe you should try to be positive and encouraging to others instead of being a Debbie Downer.

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  5. Sometimes I think that longing to live somewhere I've never lived or pining for a lifestyle that's never been mine is really my hearts desire for God in disguise.

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ok, really. tell me the truth... do these comments make me look fat?

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