Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Lent on Tuesdays- always letting go


This weekend was hard and I can't help but wonder if I am the one who made it hard.
Maybe it would have been hard anyway, but maybe not. 
There are lots of things about this weekend that made it lovely; kids at the grandparents, outing and dinner with great friends, spending the Sabbath on the couch reading a whole (and lovely) book.
I should have been relaxed, buoyant, carefree.
 But I wasn't. Not much. Hardly Ever.  What I was was tired. Tense. Stuck. Heavy hearted. Solitary.


Saturday we had a potential buyer come look at the house. 
Sweet Man and I busted our rumps to get the house in order. We had good info on this buyer and we knew what he was looking for. So we crammed in some unfinished projects. We did our best to give the buyer exactly what he wanted. And it still wasn't enough. No go. No deal. 
By late Saturday afternoon I knew this was how things were going to be. I knew the answer we would get. I just knew it in my bones. And so I started to try and patch the situation up in my heart. Tried to make excuses for the hope I had felt.  At the same moment I also knew that it was God himself that was asking me these questions, whispering them to me while I tried to pick out my entree at dinner, breathing them into my soul while I stood in line at the concession stand.
Why don't you trust me to do the best for you? Why are you willing to settle for less than? 

And I had no good answer. Not really. I mean we all have reasons for not trusting. We do. We are human;  we have been hurt and disappointed and so we doubt, we have trust issues. It 's all true and all reasonable. For me, for you, for all of us.  Yet none of those reasons suffice for me at this point.  The truth is not so noble. The truth is that I keep behaving like a spoiled child. I want what I want when I want it.   Period.
And so I walked around with those questions rattling inside me. 
Along with the words from this song, which became my prayer, my offering, my confession:

All my striving is in vain
All my pride a losing game
And all of my best efforts, simply chains
My Savior steals me from the night
Leads me into love and light
(from Dawn of Grace found here)

To be continued...
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If you are still searching for a unique or new way to connect with  and observe the season of Lent,  I would highly recommend this 5 song collection,  Image of God from Witt and Wells which has become my soundtrack for this season. Each week I will be sharing something from these beautiful songs and how they are working their way into my heart and prayers. 

4 comments:

  1. Lean not into your own understanding. Some how I feel I have posted this here recently but it's a good verse that bares repeating.

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  2. I can really relate to this post. I feel just like this sometimes...a lot. Your honesty is humbling to me.

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  3. Anonymous3:59 PM

    Hang in there it took us a year to sell our house. I thought I was going to loose my mind. It will happen, just not when you want it too. If our house had sold right away we would have not found the house we have now. It wasn't on the market. I absolutly LOVE my new house, it was worth the wait.

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  4. I'm praying for you. We had the SAME thing happen to us last week. It's hard. Very hard. You and I both know the right thing to say and think but sometimes our weary hearts have a hard time following. Big hugs from one trying-really-hard-to-be-brave-with-a-smile-on-my-face girl to another.

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ok, really. tell me the truth... do these comments make me look fat?

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