So here is the deal, let's start with the good: We found our farm. Well, we found a farm. It's not ours just yet... The farm has a small workable house with some land and barns and a pond. And it is perfect for us. There are pastures for me and woods for Sweet Man. It is not too far from work and school, and it is closer to some of our very best friends. So after months of planning and revisiting it over and over we made an offer and it was accepted. Hurrah!
But here is were it get's dicey. Here is where reality hits. We have to sell our current home first. There was a chance we wouldn't have to, and then there was the small chance that we had a buyer waiting in the wings, but neither of those things worked out. And at first those bits of news were really hard to take. I won't lie, I have shed my fair share of tears over all of it. But, if I am really honest, both of those options would have come with their own sets of really big issues and hurdles, which may have bit us in the hinney in the end. Still, it was hard to see the "easy answers" slip away.
To me this is the tough part. Putting our house on the market. Packing, cleaning, purging, fixing and waiting. The last time we sold a house I was a stay-at-home mom with a 3 year old and the market was so different. I think it took two or three weeks for that house to sell and the waiting was agony.
Looking back I could just slap myself. 3 weeks! Can you imagine? I was spoiled!
Sometimes I have complete serenity about the risk and the work that is ahead. But then there are the other times I completely freak out because the reality is I have zero control over how long -or if- it will take to sell our house. And while often realizing I have no control is completely freeing, there are other times when it is just maddening. Total bat-sh*t maddening. Today was one those days. Today I laid on the floor and cried big ole whale tears about it all. And I didn't just metaphorically lay down on the floor, no I actually laid down on the actual floor. Afterward, not only did I have lovely swollen eyes and a splotchy complexion, I also had carpet impressions all on the side of my face. I alone am bringing sexy back,let me just tell ya.
Eventually I got off the floor and took a shower. And then I went and bought clearance Christmas wrapping paper for 74cents a role which actually really helped. Also hugs from my momma and sweet text and empathy from my bestest friends, and total calmness from Sweet Man helped too.
Sometimes it takes the kindness of others and clearance wrapping paper to see the forest for the trees. At least that is how it is for me.
After I talked to Sweet Man, I started going back through my photos of the farm and I found this one. Do you see what I see? Do you see the heart in the dry creek bed? I must have seen it and taken this picture on purpose, but I have no memory of it. And yet there it is; A heart. In the dry creek bed.
New Years is days away and I am so ready. 2011 brought with it lots of good things and lots of hard things. In some ways I feel like I spent 12 months swimming upstream. I love to swim, but upstream will wear a body out.
This year when the ball drops at midnight and when I am eating my black-eyed peas and cornbread on New Years Day, I will not be making many wishes. Instead, I will be saying a prayer. I will be praying that through all of this - this house, the farm, the book, our finances, and our family life changing- that we not lose heart, that we not grow cynical and calloused. That we not put our faith in realtors and mortgage companies and publishing houses and to-do list, but that we put our faith in the one who carries our hearts for us. The one who is with us for the long haul, through the thicket, over the barb wire, in the dry creek bed and in the middle of the bat sh*t crazy, when we cannot see even a tenth of the forest for all the monstrous trees that block our view. Instead of a wish, that will be my prayer as we start 2012.
But if I forget that come January 2, will someone pleases slap me?