Thursday, January 28, 2010

old new growth

once upon a time I felt guilty because getting up at 6AM to have a regular "quiet time" with God was not my cup of tea.


but then I grew up and realized that maybe it was O.K. if my time with God was messy, and loud and at midnight instead, or in the car, driving the long trek between the college I was attending and my job an hour away, when I could crank up my stereo and pour out all my troubles and doubts through song instead words.
and it was good.



once upon a time I thought that a new journal would fix my life.
all those glorious blank pages, waiting for my deepest thoughts held the key to a better, more perfect "me."

but then I grew up and realized that no journal - not even the prettiest, fanciest one Barnes & Noble had - could fix my heart. No amount of good intentions to fill those pages up could replace the true hard work of learning to become authentic, of learning how to hold both truth and grace -for oneself especially - together in one hand.
and it was good.


once upon a time I thought that all I needed was the perfect bible study.
the perfect workbook with the perfect questions.
but then I grew up and realized that no amount of fill-in-the-blank worksheets were going to replace the real and honest journey of relationships, where stone sharpens stone and growth truly begins.
and it was good.


once upon a time I threw out 6AM quiet-times and brand new journals and bible studies.
and it was good. it was needed. it was the season for such things.
it was good that way.

but then I grew up some more.
and I realized, that maybe now I wouldn't mind getting up at 6AM - I already get up at 6:30 AM as it is.



and I realized - for the first time in years - that I sure do miss those blank pages. Even though now I know they won't "fix me," they still hold out some hope for what could be.

and I realized that I would like a way to study the bible in a more structured way. that I would like to be sharpened in a new way.



and then I realized that I am turning into my mother (mom aren't you proud?)
or at least my memories of my mother when she was 35.

and I realized that some things in life are just seasonal.
They ebb and flow like the tide.



so now I am trying to get up at 6AM, and I have a hearty stack of books (and a great new red journal) to aid me in my endeavor to grow and learn in a new old way.
only this time it is guilt and "should" free.

this time it is all "want to."
and it is all good.


here is my stack of Quiet-Time Spring Reading 2010:


The Wisdom of St. Patrick



9 comments:

  1. My mom has always said we are to enjoy all the seasons of our life. I am ready, too, to enjoy my current season. I am ready to write in a journal and I think one of the books you have listed here would be a great place to start with the bible. God and I talk all the time but maybe I need to set a regular time!
    Hugs, Lisa

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  2. Jerusalem, thank you for reminding me about 'Simple Abundance'.. I have this wonderful book and read it a few years back, as a daily reading. I'm going to get it off the bookshelf in my office and put it where I can see it and read it each day again. I love your 'full circle' process, btw.

    Deb

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  3. Dear Daughter,

    I am so glad there is a want to in your desire. Of course I am vain enough to really enjoy seeing this development!

    Thanks,

    Love you,
    Mom

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  4. I have wonderful memories of my mom in her robe on her knees with her dark her flowing down her back. She was praying, and I am sure those prayers were for her three daughters. Thank you so much for sharing you spiritual journey, it is inspiring. I'm going to take a look at these books as well. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  5. Beautiful post! Life is all about the ebb and the flow. Can't have one without the other!

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  6. You were a beautiful little girl, and now you are a beautiful young woman. It is good.

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  7. Well, I read all the words and it is good. Sometimes things just have to happen in their own timing. Oh, and I just want to live in all those pictures!! I am amazed at the beauty people are able to create.
    Elise

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  8. One of my other friends (from another town, who also blogs) was just talking about reentering the same season. With an almost three year old, I'm still in the second phase. It's so freeing to realize how God is not limited only to "quiet time" to help grow us. However, I look fwd to being able to do the 6 am thing again one day.

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  9. How encouraging! I too share the struggle of having set aside times to share with God. But I've learned that we can grow closer to him through devoted times of the day. Our church sends out a prayer list daily and each time I check my email, I'm reminded not only to pray for these needs but also to spend time with our heavenly Father as well. And just this year I decided to join several Bible Studies to help keep me in the word. Sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed but I know I learn so much more with the focused, structured time.
    So, all this to say "How exciting for you!"
    Blessings!

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ok, really. tell me the truth... do these comments make me look fat?

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