Wednesday, September 20, 2006

This is how I feel

9 months ago, Nathan and I made one of the toughest decisions of our lives to date: To leave our church for the past 9 years and forge out on our own. It was the right thing to do for many, many, many reasons. Our frustations and sadness had grown too large to carry any longer. To remain silent but present felt false and inauthentic. By Christmas we could no longer bare the weight this created. Leaving became the only answer.

Even though leaving was right, it has still been hard. We have maintained all of our close relationships and still consider those people to be our social set - they are who we do life with, and for this I am eternally grateful. My heart would not have survived if not for them... Some might argue that this is enough, this community, to be considered "church." After 9 months I can say it isn't, at least not at this stage of life. My children need more, Nathan and I need more. We are a needy bunch I agree, but I can no longer apologize or feel shame for our needs, so out into the Wide World of The Modern Church we have gone.

Since January most of our closest friends have also left, or are contemplating leaving. Things have not gotten better there - many might say they have gotten worse- and what is left of the church we once knew is now downsizing & "re-inventing" itself, leaving behind the building where Nathan and I were married, and where we, and all our friends, dedicated our children. I guess because of my literal and figurative close relation to the church leadership, many people ask me what I think about the current state of things, and how we are adjusting to our new church body. As you can imagine I have a lot to say about both, but I try to not hemorrhage all over people. Also, I have been stirring in the talking/dealing/grieving/healing/ repeat cycle for 9 months, and I am a little worn out on the topic. So, in response to this feeling and all the questions, I am posting the lyrics to this song by Sara Groves, as a way to sum up, for all, 'how I feel.'

Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don't want to leave here I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I've been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable When you move so much
The place I was wasn't perfect But I had found a way to live
It wasn't milk or honey But then neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

1 comment:

ok, really. tell me the truth... do these comments make me look fat?

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